I figured as I am paying for this web address I might as well make use of it, even if it is just for my own therapy. It’s been on my mind for a while now to write a blog, although it’s not really a blog it’s purely for selfish reasons to get things off my chest. I could say I’m probably not going to post this but that would be a lie, because I probably will. I’m not ashamed or afraid to speak my truth.
On 18th January 2021 my life changed forever. I lost my Mum. She died because her fragile body couldn’t fight COVID, this awful virus that has ravaged all of our lives the past year. She’s been taken from us too soon, very cliché thing to say but it’s true. She had plenty of life in her and none of us would ever have expected this to happen. I could say that I have some comfort from the fact that we were with her the last 24 hours of her life, but it’s not a nice memory. I hope only that she had comfort from us being there.
It’s like my heart breaks a little more every day, wow I never knew it was possible to miss someone this much. She was my person, the one I called when something happened, good or bad. My Mum to call when I was feeling crap and just needed to moan, or looking for sympathy…she was always on my side. I miss the random calls just to check in or just to see how she was, what she was up to. I used to call her if I had a long drive ahead and she would think of some random stuff to talk about to help make the journey go faster, usually when I was on my way home to my family. She was the one that was there for me, always. But now she’s not. She’s not here, every time I realise that my heart breaks a bit more.
I’m not writing this for sympathy, if I’m totally honest I find it really hard talking about it in person. I feel like people give sympathy but they don’t really understand. If course they do, most people have grieved someone in their life, but it’s like your own grief can never be compared to anyone elses. But I’m getting good with my standard responses, trying to deviate so I don’t burst into tears. That sounds ungrateful, I’m truely not, the amount of support I have received has been an enormous help to me, to feel the love and distress that others feel is so comforting, I am forever grateful.
My Mum would want me to grieve, she deserves that. But I know she would want me to keep going, keep following my heart and probably most of all she would want me not to work too hard (she was always complaining about my long hours). I certainly think of her a lot more in that way, remember what she said Kelly.
Family was everything to Mum, she would do anything for us. I want to carry that tradition on with my family, near and far. I don’t think we have ever been closer…..that is about the one good thing that has come out of this loss.
I already feel a little lighter, true blog therapy at it’s best. Maybe I’ll write again soon. K x
